Thank god winter is finally here, because November? That month asked for every ounce of trust I had. It was long, disappointing, and let's be honest - a little depressing. But sitting here in December, with the winter stillness settling in, I can finally appreciate the depth of what was actually unfolding beneath the surface..
October: The Scramble
October showed up all rainy and lonely. I kept getting messages that "things were falling into place." Nothing I was doing felt like it was working, and I was doing A LOT. The vibe was pure scramble - ungrounded and stuck in thoughts about what I didn't have.
Through a coaching session, I finally connected with parts of myself that had been feeling left out and unaccepted. I went back through old journals and did some shadow work meditations, facing some old stories that were running the show:
"Being present hurts"
"Approval from the outside lets me know I'm worthy"
"Every idea needs to be followed because it could be 'the one'"
But here's what came up as truth: "My only job is to feel, breathe, and follow my yeses" and "Being is safe."
The practice wasn't pretty. I caught myself stuck in scroll holes, feeling not enough. Even when I knew how my higher self would approach these thoughts, I couldn't move through the feelings as fast as I wanted to.
November: The Reality Check
November became about being with myself - like actually dating myself. I started noticing when I was doing things just to stay busy. That "not enough" feeling was still hanging around, and I felt very much in a Pause.
I spent a lot of time in inner dialogue, reminding myself it was safe to just be. But I also felt really isolated. Turns out, I needed actual human connection - these were soul-level desires I couldn't ignore anymore, no matter how comfortable my hermit life had become.
The vibe? It was a day-to-day swing between feeling stable and unstable, lost and found. I kept trying to make room for "I welcome flow, success, and ease" while facing old stories like:
"It has to be hard to be worthy"
"If I can't tell my story I won't make it"
"Once everyone else is taken care of, then I can just relax"
But new wisdom emerged too: "You don't need to be alone, ask for what you need" and "So what if you do it wrong, then what?"
December: The Fog Lifts
Now in December, there's a different energy. I'm exploring my relationship with the sacred masculine, diving deeper into my intuition, and trusting my gut feelings more. The fog has lifted enough to see what feels aligned: making space through letting go, saying yes to being in community, and allowing integration to happen naturally. I'm going to be reframing things into yes or no questions, to help keep it simple and reconnect with my gut instinct. I'm showing up to workshops, connecting with others who get it, and doing the healing work - not alone this time.
If You're In It Too
If any of this sounds familiar - if you're caught between knowing your truth and actually living it - you're doing integration work. It's not always pretty, and it definitely doesn't follow a straight line.
What helped me was writing to my smaller self from my higher self - just letting all the reassurance and validation flow. Sometimes we need to be our own warm voice of "hey, you're okay." And sometimes we need to hear those words from others who are walking similar paths.
Remember, you don't have to force your way through this. Sometimes making space is the most powerful thing you can do. Sometimes that space looks like journaling alone, and other times it looks like being held in community.
You're doing better than you think. 🫶
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