Every action has a reaction....we're all familiar with the saying. But how often do we dig a bit deeper to find out the reason for that reaction. Things come to mind like "I'm having a bad day" or maybe you had an unpleasant interaction with someone prior to the 'trigger' moment happening; All of these excuses within the immediate past.
A theme has shown up in my life...so determined that it's ignorable. Let
it
go.
I must share my story with you, in hopes it may help you along with your journey, whatever level of consciousness you are at.
This theme began January 2016 when I began a yoga teacher training in Bali, Indonesia. I let go some pain and weight I was holding on to, in order to carry it for those I loved. Awakening myself to that, I realized that holding on to that was not helping anybody that I had intended to, and was actually causing pain and suffering to myself.
Feeling that release, I was able to connect with my higher Self as well as eliminating some blocks - blocks that I had put up, to 'protect' myself from certain fears. I didn't know it at the time, but those fears were the next thing to move through...
In January 2017, Language became another chapter of this theme - understanding that everyone has their own truth, and when you try to verbalize that truth, it only becomes your story. Is it impossible to share your truth with someone? As they may interpret it differently, or perceive it through their perspective, which alters it.
This was a hard pill to swallow, finding the balance between filtering my words and staying authentic to what I was trying to say. Even though I am a fairly blunt and impatient person, I do like to observe and so I was able to take more of an investigative approach - "When I say this, I can watch what happens next..."
Begins the next chapter...Observing others. Why do people do what they do? What makes them get up in the morning, say the things they say, react the way they would. I've always felt intrigued by these questions, but this time I was disappointed with the hanging of answers.
A lot of inner thought was happening during this time - feeling disconnected with everyone around me. Why can I not find the people who are thinking that same thing? Surely I am not the only one.
I reached out to a local yoga studio, where I was able to feel the sense of community and reconnect with what I was looking for - my tribe. Through 2 weeks of classes, I collected tools of grounding, staying present, and listening through my heart, not my head. *I highly recommend an exercise we practiced of yelling at the top of your lungs for 2 minutes - highly therapeutic!*
Soon after this daily practice I booked a healing session with my friend who does Crystal Healing. I was looking forward to 'wiping the slate clean' as she cleared my aura and opened my chakras using divine power with the help of the crystals.
"You're a runner...you're running away".
This message I received during the treatment reminded me that I have not been able to connect to my higher Self unless on a journey - specifically via a plane ride to a tropical place where I can leave all responsibility behind and be on my own.
"I have developed a relationship with my higher Self on these occasions. Now it's time to learn how to do it in this state of your journey."
It clicked - I didn't know how...I've never done it before, I didn't even know that it was fear holding me back. Fear is tricky like that, you don't even recognize it until you turn back and look at it.
So I committed.
Committed to myself, to living in the light, and to feel that bliss of alignment with all parts of my Self. It is time to learn how to be functioning as my higher Self every day, no matter the influences surrounding me.
Acceptance, meditation, breath and reminding myself to stay present were tools I held close during this Fear chapter.
"Trust in the universe, trust you're exactly where you're supposed to be."
I took part in a 21 day meditation led by Oprah and Deepak Chopra; Hope in Uncertain Times. I reflected each day on lessons regarding uncertainty, expectations, fear, truth, faith, hope, and forgiveness.
Another layer of letting go...
I've realized you don't always need a plan in order to move forward. Staying present allows things to come to you when you are ready for them.
We tend to live in the past or the future. Earlier in the year I was focused on living in the future - trying to create expectations around everything just so I knew what was going to happen. Just another protection from fear - the fear of the unknown. Once I realized how much pain and suffering I was causing myself, I had to I let that go.
I did not recognize until recently that since I let that go, I have been living in the past.
Everything we do is for a reason. Most of the time we can not explain that reason. Most of the time it is because of something from our past - immediate or beyond.
Often we have conditioned ourselves to react a certain way without even realizing it. Think of an example, a trigger. Now quietly sit with that trigger and imagine moments that you have reacted because of it. Are you uncomfortable yet? Good, it's working. Now travel back even further.
Your ego will not like what is about to happen, your ego wants to protect you, it just can't distinguish when it's safe to trust. So guide it there, trust yourself; say it's okay and that you won't let anything bad happen.
You may trace this reaction back to a thought from your childhood. Find the root, the first time you saw this reaction, from yourself or another. Observe it, shine your light on it and watch it happen right before your eyes...
If you are able, tell that part of yourself; I do not need this, I am a different person now.
Take a few deep breaths.
Many things we create excuses for actually have nothing to do with that present moment. But there was a moment where it was relevant. All we have to do is find it. First you must look for the pattern - do you find yourself in bad relationships, never finding a work/life balance, are you always quitting things, never on time, etc.
There is nothing to change about any of us. Everyone is doing the best they can from their level of consciousness. Each one of us is perfect, but somewhere within our life experiences, someone told us we are not, or something happened where we didn't believe we were. And those moments changed how would act from there on out, it changed our reality, our perception. We created habits that would never make us feel like that again, intending to protect us, but pushing us further and further away from our truth.
So search for those moments, find out if it brings you closer to your truth, just by recognizing what your inner child has experienced, you may bring more peace to the present moment.
So now, I continue to let go of these deep roots that I have nourished over the years. I have so far learned (or re-learned) that there is nothing within myself to fear, the present moment is all that exists, and surrendering is one of the most incredible ways to empower your true self.
Practice, find growth in the discomfort, and as always, make sure you breathe.
~Sat Nam~