This week felt pretty hard for me. Feelings of stress and being overwhelmed flooded my days at work, and everything at home felt like work. Last night, I identified (or finally admitted) that I was not feeling like my self. I felt vindictive, frustrated, sad, just to name a few. It is normal for me to have highs and lows, but when I am consciously in a low state, I try to make something out of it. So I dove deeper - and as I laid there feeling those emotions, I knew I was on the right track. Determined to find out what was really going on, once I focused on the pure emotion I was feeling, I was able to peer beyond the feelings to observe the root cause.
I narrowed it down to pressure. Pressure to perform, to do better, to be better.
Where did this come from? Recently, I've been listening to Matt Belair's podcasts and I began to notice a theme of the episodes that I was listening to; conditioning and reprogramming your thought reactions.
This stood out to me as a skill that I needed to work on. As soon as I identified it, it was as if I had called it to the surface because tears flooded my eyes and memories began. As a child in school, I was praised for the good, to do well - as most of us were. I was conditioned to explain what happened when I didn't do excellent, and as a result I felt forced to put in a lot of work that I didn't want to spend my energy on - to get better at something I didn't care about made no sense to me.
This is not to blame my mentors or my superiors in any way. I am confident they always did what was in the best interest for me, through the only perspective they could. This conditioning is the result of the culture we live in and an outdated school system. Regardless of the story I create about what happened, it all added up to a simple belief: I'm not good enough.
I knew I had high expectations of myself which over the years, I realized I placed on others - I had no idea that this was the root.
This belief now causes me suffering, as I try to keep up with the pace I created so that I don't let myself or others down. Instead of consciously understanding that I can choose what I focus my attention on, I split my focus until I couldn't keep track of it all and it was all crashing down around me. - reinforcing my belief, I'm not good enough to keep it all together. It made more and more sense as I thought of my recent challenges; letting go, not knowing where to start on my task list because I was feeling overwhelmed, losing track or focus once I did decide on a task.
So as I moved from victim mentality to forgiveness, I turned to the tools that I use when I'm ready to move out of a low state. I pull out my tarot cards and set up for a reading. Which brings me to the point of this post. This card reading was way too powerful not to share with you...
The Ten of Water symbolizes both a beginning and an ending. It is that moment when we let go of emotions that bind us to the past and find ourselves truly living in the present for the first time. It is a feeling of divine connection with all and everything, feeling and knowing that love swells in the very core of our being, and always has.
It symbolizes a period of time when we can move through life with a serene sense of ease and fluidity, even when surrounded by turmoil or conflict - when the weight of past emotions is released, and everything flows in the manner it is meant to. Our emotional state now influences our life in a positive way that makes it easy to see and understand how powerful we truly are when we divest ourselves of emotional hooks to the past that only service to limit and restrict us.
To know yourself to the extent that you understand why you feel as you do, and then realize that you have the choice to react in a different way, is to have control over the energy that you project. Instead of creating a reality that is a reflection of unconscious emotional energy, the Ten of Water lets you know you can now consciously project your feelings, and create a future of your choosing.
Have you ever noticed how someone can alter the energy of an entire room of people, just by walking in and smiling? One smile, a kind gesture, a moment of attention and genuine interest, can change a person's whole demeanor in a heartbeat. Some people seem to have an almost tangible connection to everything and everyone, and a single word or glance can bring joy.
When the Ten of Water appears in the cards before you, she represents a state of serene grace that is achievable if you desire it. By consciously embracing a positive mindset and focusing on living a joyful life in this moment, on this day, and each day that follows, you can influence everything around you in the same positive manner. It is not about denying those influences that create discord and disharmony - instead, it is about choosing not to allow them to disrupt your life or steal your happiness. It is about starting each day with a smile, greeting everyone you meet with kindness, and focusing your attention on the things that bring you peace and joy.
Dreams of Gaia Tarot by Ravynne Phelan
Sometimes that feeling of recognition is all I need. Reassurance that it's okay to be right where I am. Forgetting that we have control over our state is something I forget often, but that I am always reminded of when I'm ready to hear it.
This was not something that was transformed over night. There were many weeks of build up, if not months, where I begun to subconsciously note the struggles that this limiting belief had on my life. It takes many moments to build something, but it only takes one moment to change something. I'm addicted to this feeling of growth - the uncovering of something that changes my perspective. It's what keeps me going and pushes me to explore the shadows that my fears hide in.
I hope that this post gives you some sort of reassurance that you're exactly where you're meant to be. And if you're not ready to hear it yet, I'll be right here, waiting until you are.
xoxo Maddie