My year started with a migraine that put me into bed for 3 days. The first one I've eve experienced. Dehydration, a late new years, maybe there are contributing factors for cause, but really I think 2020 was just saying "I'm in fucking charge here" from the beginning.
The beginning of my year, I started by launching myself into a small business coaching program with a focus on spiritual leadership. I felt immediately invested into 'Figuring it out' in 2020. I had wanted to pursue my health/wellness business since coming back from Vancouver and ending my position in my familiar industry with animals.
Through hours of self-reflection, meditation and journal prompts, I was never coming to an exact description of what I desired to offer. This was just the beginning of a theme for 2020; "Don't bother trying to picture what it's gonna look like...aka release the outcome". The sour lesson of releasing expectations.
I thought by getting clear on what I wanted, it would give me clarity in my business and that would lead to be making a profitable business by the end of the year. But of course, we have to play the game of life.
I realized (sadly) there is no said formula to know when you're trying to force things to happen, or just working towards what you want. It's a constant self-check in, where as I wanted to believe it could just be a checklist I would mark off as I went and arrive at this end result.
I believe in universal alignment and everything happens for a reason. When I felt resistance with my plans to follow my dreams, I returned to myself and focused inwards to gauge where I was at. Even if phrases about the universe are overused and sometimes trigger an eyeroll, I continue to be provided with many examples of it's truth over and over again. I've also realized, honestly, what ever the fuck works! For me, judgement has no weight, results do.
I studied and received my Yoga Nidra certification so I could additionally teach the method 'yogic sleep', bringing the practitioner into a state of deep relaxation so they can practice the skill of witness consciousness. (I am also 200h certified in Vinyasa-Ashtanga 2016). Because let's be honest, 2020 also had a lesson of how important maintaining our self-care is. Relaxation is the first step to receiving, allowing, accepting; additional themes of 2020.
This year was not easy work, on any level. Whether you had a spiritual practice and already familiar with self-awareness techniques or if you barely spent any time consciously with yourself, the result was the same. The bitter lessons of 2020 were rolling in and intended to test our endurance.
In the early months of 2020 I became aware of how to release deep energy in the body; an integral part of this entrepreneurial program. Participating in guided meditations leading deep within as an observer of the layers and pieces that lay within.
This was my favorite part. I did a deep dive into my consciousness, uncovering conditioning, unlayering my identity, and got a really raw perspective on my internal state.
In the mean time, it seemed others looked for comfort from anyone who seemed to have it all together. Looking for knowns, answers, reassurance. Relating to those who were expressing their emotions and thoughts through social media platforms. We were all entertained (and maybe a little saddened) by the panic around stocking up on toilet paper and Lysol wipes. All of a sudden the backstage curtain was lifted to the World. We witnessed (and continue to witness) the divide of the America's and watching helplessly their rising trend of opposition, hinting of a potential Civil War.
The world was on the same page; and although they were words apart, the issues of focus were less then a handful. I think now, when will Covid-19 not be the topic of conversation?
After a couple of months, the truth was sinking in. That this isn't just a few weeks of interruption. We stopped meeting new people, stopped seeing kind interactions between strangers, we weren't returning to office spaces, the routine of life as we knew it came to a halt.
All of a sudden we had more time on our hands, but we were optimistic. The weather was changing into Spring, most turned to their gardens and dropped hundreds on plants, flowers, and vegetable gardens to disguise their marijuana plants (which became legal in 2020). Despite the satisfaction and rewards that come from a well kept garden, there can be anxiety attached to this hobby. I for one had my weed plants stolen from the yard. However, a part of my new workout routine included the occasional run. I had earned just enough stamina to chase down the thieves as they fled the scene and repossess my plants, giving me the nickname Weed Warrior Princess, protector of the neighborhood.
Tip; when attention is desired chasing others down the street in bare feet, yell "FIRE" not "HELP"...
In my world, since losing my job as a server, I was gaining momentum on the new lifestyle of being paid to be unemployed and laying foundation for my own business. It was beginning to feel like I was exactly on the right path. I was inspired to keep my business growing and feeling grounded in my self-care practice. Trying to find ways to monetize during a difficult time, I went from teaching Yoga, to building self-development courses, and back to offering yoga and meditation by the class. I continue to be grateful for the compensation I received which allowed the space for me to explore not only my creativity as an entrepreneur but also myself on a deeper level.
Feeling a bit bombarded by news, heavy topics continued to spread. World wide, tension soared as authority figures made consequential decisions and it framed the theme of "speak your truth" in humanity. Protests exploded and so much darkness came to light. More catalysts for change fueled by the year. More opportunities for reflection.
I think by now most of us realized and surrendered to the conclusion that radical change was an inevitable part of 2020's plan.
Right around the beginning of patio season, I decided to press on with my business since I had done all I could behind the scenes, and offer in-person yoga classes. There was a very thick presence of 'now or never' in the air. I hosted at the brewery patio I worked at a few times a week, allowing an attendance of 10 to follow public health's gathering restrictions and the recommendations of physical distancing.
Masked in public and sanitizer baths became the new normal. But it wasn't normal.
Not only the physical act of having to wear a mask for 12h a day sometimes, the unknown of what's to come and inability to travel began to feel restricting. There was an obvious struggle with our new reality, one that had restrictions. There became a lot of resistance to surrendering to at this point what was constant change, and it was paired with feelings of fear and anxiety. The reality of our lives at this time was that no one can plan much. People literally didn't know what they were doing outside of a 12 hour window. Mostly due to the fact that restrictions could (and sometimes were) changing overnight.
It was interesting to watch what kinds of survival modes people went to. Fight? Flight? or Embrace?
I wonder what the long term effects will be from 2020. Will be accustomed to the ebb and flow of change, being that change happened so often this year? Will this experience allow us to manage our emotions better? Will we be less attached to them? Will we see them for what they are, as temporary, not what we are but a state we experience?
Although I was not successful with making my business an online success of 2020, I was able to lay some important foundations and find a scale of what I wanted to offer. I picked up more shifts at the local craft brewery and continued to help out how I could while keeping a mindset of "I am open to any opportunities that come my way". I did my best to surrender to whatever was meant to come my way. Not taking a passive role in my life, but more like a reclined seat. Following this mantra has lead me to an outcome that I will reap the benefits of for many years ahead. In late Fall, the company opened a brand new location, expanding to the restaurant scene. The team, being only 5 staff, was pretty much forced us to spend 80 hours straight together for 2 weeks. Now, spending that much time with the wrong people can be incredible difficult, but with the right people? Let's just say it's a recipe to bond deeply with life long friends.
With the holiday season behind us and a new year in front of us, we continue to float on. It's the perfect time to assess where you're at, what you're still holding white knuckled, what things have you convinced yourself of, how have your beliefs changed?
As I enter the last year of my 20's, I arrange priorities that never seemed to make it to the top of the list until now. I allow the pieces of my life to ebb and flow, giving kind reminders as I go that the pressure I'm feeling is from only myself. So I adjust and release. I practice a deep level of personal responsibility (most of the time...), and when I identify something I fear, I lean in to explore it. Fear can be a tricky thing and we have years of practice convincing ourselves not to feel it.
This year is coming to an end, but really January 1st is just a new day, same as today's was. You already know what needs to change and you know exactly the first step into changing it. This year I thought getting out of my own way would allow me to hop on the fast track to my outcome, but honestly, the pace is the same. It's the resistance that changes. By speaking our truth, by releasing expectations which we cannot control, by allowing all that is meant to come to arrive, by accepting it all, we can simply just be and receive all that is meant for us.
But like I said, it's a practice of repetition because as much as I want it to sometimes, life does not work like a checklist.
Personally, it has been a year of conscious trial and error, and more importantly moving through the fear of each. I think about how one day this will just be a period of our lives. It may last more then a year, maybe more then 2, but it will remain to be a blink in time.
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