Gaining an extra hour of daylight, moving into warmer days and feeling a sense of new life in the air as Spring beckons, I have been reflecting on what a year it's been. Often I find myself in this mindset when I'm ready to be done with what is - familiar old feelings, in a routine that is fueling bad habits, or in general ready for a change - but it's not lined up yet. After all, awareness is the first step (I know...I feel that eyeroll).
That place between awareness and change can be sticky, long, and definitely uncomfortable.
And believe me, I do try to leap to the next part, and often. Yet it's still snowing outside, hovering around 0 degrees Celsius, and so we must wait a little longer before slipping on my sandals and initiating a Spring takeover in my walk-in.
Having to go through the process with no shortcuts, I take the time to be grateful for the in-between, knowing that this too shall pass. What a great opportunity to do nothing but reflect.
These past 6 months have been one of the biggest transitions yet, and because of pain I've yet to release, I haven't been able to be present for all of it.
So to me, this in-between is a crucial part of the process, as frustrating as it can be. I think of my current feelings and actions, understanding better why they are here with me now and reminding myself of a few key things:
It is safe to be seen
I am loved by just being I am successful by just being
Just because this part of myself shows up, it does not mean failure
The space created here, allows acceptance, compassion, and self-love, which births a drive for action and new beginnings. This is key for me, because I default to being hard on myself and expectations that don't account for much space. When I try to skip this in-between, and believe me I try, my actions come from a space of forced change which is never a solid foundation - full of shoulds, external validation, and inner pressure.
My mirage of control lasted for a few months; empowered to design my life as I would like, since I took my life off-roading (changing relationship, job, and apartment), I was under the impression that I was in control. Once my big life transition settled in, I felt a bit of loss.
Obviously I had experienced loss of what was no longer in my present, but I was also experiencing a loss of what I was no longer able to control.
My apartment was arranged and decorated, I had the job I wanted, I was active at the gym, I was self-maintaining. I began to look for what's next, stay busy (one of my Survival Methods). And then nothing happened...nothing was happening for a long time.
There was nothing left to do, but reflect, observe, and feel.
I distracted myself away from this, knowing that pain awaited there, and I felt burnt out (see my last post here).
It has been a painful year; Transitioning away from all I knew for the past 3 years, after realizing that I was missing from my own life. It took a lot (time, energy, and mental capacity)...to let go of not only the physical pieces but also the attachment which came with it. Additionally, I had a few weeks of back pain that I couldn't shake. It disconnected me from my body and it threw a spoke in my wheel of routine to stay physical.
This accumulation of pain shrunk my capacity to feel and I became numb.
Not to mention, the whole pandemic changing the world as we knew it and intense conflict surging among humanity; making a clear statement that we're not "all in this together". I was hyper-aware of my capacity, and could barely hold the space just for myself.
Sometimes we need to numb out - allow ourselves to sink into our Survival Methods. We can call this, 'giving our self space'. While this is true for a time, when the 'ping' comes to begin again - we enter this in-between.
Although I feel like I want to expand my capacity for myself. 'want' to get back to the gym, eliminate non-social alcohol, and solidify a better morning routine in order to feel more satisfied with my day, it is a process. Sometimes, this process includes a bit more distraction then I would consider ideal.
Again, these past 6 months have proven that not all growth looks the same. And let me tell you, most of it has not been sexy. In fact, it's been pretty chaotic and messy. But here I am.
I am so incredibly proud of getting myself here. It's good to remember that this finish line that we're all speed walking or sprinting towards is actually in ~80 years or so. So we have to adjust to the version of ourselves which is good at the stillness, the waiting game, good at being present. We must have the patience and perseverance to hold space for our selves to shift states.
Although, I have wanted to focus only on the future, I couldn't until I was fully ready to put the past behind me.
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