Being seen was something that I had to relearn as a safe thing. After meeting a man of my dreams and leaving my job in BC to be closer to family, I had become so inspired about discovering myself and how to help others, that I dove into the world of doing self-development. What I did not realize is when that talk therapy, thought analysis, and self-development became tools to avoid truly seeing myself.
It became a pattern to feel safe only by doing, and not by simply being.
Being became the most vulnerable thing in my life at the time. I was feeling a loss of control over my life; then the start of a global pandemic, my relationship was failing to connect, and I was working hard to launch my entrepreneurship in a wellness business. It became unsafe to just be as there was so much to do!
Everything seemed it would fall apart unless I took the wheel - but this control was an illusion.
Understanding, fixing, and realizing felt safe. And so I was constantly on top of it; learning, analyzing, and shifting. The doing within the being felt like the only thing that I could celebrate. Despite my intentions of being present, I found myself looking for action steps after listening, observing, and being - at the time I didn’t know it, but non-actionable beingness was uncomfortable and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with that.
It took conscious effort and subconscious alignment to realize this illusion of control and release my grip on that wheel.
Even once I realized this truth, it still wasn’t enough to change my habits. When I became exhausted from constantly doing, the truth of it all hit me like a wave; my relationship ended, I changed apartments, and found a sustainable job to get me through my transition. Then, feeling more aligned and living my truth, things were good for a while. I met myself with loads of distraction (decorating my new place, starting my new job, adjusting to a single life again) and I was safe in my celebration of all that I had accomplished, until the doing subsided. Then again, I was left with the discomfort in the beingness.
Awareness first, then practice - this fear that it was unsafe to be seen went deep and I had to convince that part of me it was safe now, I didn’t need protection here anymore. But this practice was different than any other that I had worked on for the last 3 years…this practice was about not doing. I even said alright, well I’ll work on undoing, and I'll meditate on releasing (still attaching action to this, because it felt safe). It was only when I truly recognized when this part of myself was trying to protect me, and in each of those moments, I would reassure her that it was now safe by not doing.
It was safe to be seen.
These fears don’t go anywhere, they are a part of us and have helped to shape our perspective. We learn about them, we invite them along to observe, we give opportunities to correct thought patterns and nurture ourselves into aligned action.
Ultimately, these parts of ourselves want to keep us safe and to make sure we survive - they belonged. As confusing or silly as it may feel to hold onto protection that no longer serves us, at a time in our past, we felt threatened and so we created this armour to protect and support us through a feeling. After all, as adults, it is up to us to guide ourselves through the discomfort of not feeling safe, and additionally, it is our personal responsibility to decide what is safe and what is unsafe. Recognizing that the armour we once needed is actually now just in the way is the first piece. It takes patience and acceptance to integrate the parts that once held pain back to the wholeness of who we are, and in my experience, this has been a key piece in coming home to myself. Being seen is something that is very important to many of us. Although some people within our journey may help with the feeling of safety, others may trigger our armour, but ultimately we get to decide for ourselves what is unsafe and what is safe.
So this lesson has become a check in point for myself; is there something that was once unsafe and is there armour now in the way of my truth and my desires?
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